Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships

Having split up nearly two years ago and done a lot of processing of what happened in my first marriage, and why, I decided I was ready to start socializing or dating again. However, knowing that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages (and never wanting to go through another divorce) I decided it would be helpful to start preparing now. I wanted to know what to look for in a woman, and what are the warning signs I should look for. I also knew that I needed to look at myself to determine if I was truly ready for another relationship. To that end, I began to research books on this topic and start studying. Obviously Townsend has some credibility on this topic with his seminal book "Boundaries" co-authored with Cloud. The question is, "Does this book bring new insights to the topic of second marriages that aren't covered elsewhere?" The bottom line is that this book does not disappoint. It has a wealth of useful tools to assess the situation you're getting into. It reads easily and the topics are clear, specific and understandable. Of course, the trick is to learn how to change your behavior to be successful in relationships, but that comes with study and practice. Here are some very powerful things I learned from this book: - Why I am feeling like I want to be in a relationship again after I decided to be content being alone for the rest of my life. - How relationships get broken - and how we often react in ways that widen the gulf between spouses. - Protective Boundaries and Defining Boundaries - what they are and how they work together. - Why we have a built-in desire to be in relationships, and the problems that can arise. - How do I know when I'm ready for another relationsip? - The need for close, intimate friends during the healing process. - The need for being vulnerable and for taking risks. - Which risks are worth taking and which ones aren't. - How do I know when the other person is ready? - How to have the "DTR talk." (Define The Relationship) - Moving forward as a couple. The book is concisely written - not a lot of extra words. It's filled with lots of examples to make his points clear. Because it's written so efficiently I had a hard time putting it down. There was so much information I took notes in a document that I can refer to later on. I'm so glad I read this book before my next marriage. It will give me time to learn new skills and to prepare properly. Just as it took nearly two years to heal from divorce, it could take that long or more to start training for my next marriage. If I do that properly I hope to avoid a second divorce and find a deep level of intimacy and love.

I had just set a boundary with a difficult person. I was really at a loss as to how to proceed from there. I felt guilty and selfish and was ready to backtrack. I needed a solution, since it was essential that I continue in relationship with that person. Then I googled and found this book. What a lifesaver! How often do you find a book that exactly addresses your need? Where page after page lays out logically a plan for you to follow to find wholeness while honoring God's plan for respecting others? Where the language is real and not technical jargon, where the examples are many and profoundly enhance your understanding of the concepts? Where you see those who have hurt you in the examples but also see yourself and how you have hurt others? This is such a book. From cover to cover it is an easy yet power-packed read. It has not just shown me how to navigate the difficult relationships in my life that I feel I have been a victim of, but it has given me a roadmap as to how to consciously create rewarding relationships in the future, which, because of childhood trauma, I have never been able to do. I am so hopeful now about my future. Thank you Dr. John Townsend!

Easy to read and understand. I would recommend this book to anyone struggling with co- dependency or to anyone wanting to better understand co- dependency

I tried to read it every night. The things that it says in this book is true and helpful.

This book is life changing for people who have been harmed in relationships and need to learn how to move on, when to trust again and when not to. I prefer the audiobook version because Dr. Townsend reads the book himself. His very calming demeanor and clear reasoning nature adds so much to the book. I keep the hardcover book to go back and reference things. I have read several of Dr Townsend and Dr Cloud’s boundaries books but IMO this one is the best. I have been doing a great deal of work healing from abuse and this book reached the deepest part of my soul and brought up things I was afraid to bring up and let go. I think I sobbed harder during parts of this book than I have ever let myself sob. It changed my life. It helped me set boundaries in some relationships that I have never been able to before, making those relationships stronger. And it helped me finally get rid of a few relationships that were very harmful. It is amazing to me that so much insight and understanding can come from one book. Thank you Dr Townsend. This book is truly a gift. I write this review with deepest gratitude…

This is especially good for people with Codependent tendencies. You see as Christian codependents we get being loving and forgiving mixed up. We think that if you love someone you are supposed to forgive them 7 times 7 as Jesus stated in scripture. Therefore codependent stat in bad situations way too long. John shows exceptions by the scripture saying that you reap what you sow and that overall Jesus gives us free will to choose him or not and that we in turn should give our loved ones the freedom to make bad choices without always being there for them. By giving them that freedom, that is showing them love by allowing them to choose for themselves and trusting God to take care of us and allow them to be disciplined according to their actions. The book then shows us how to choose good people as future mates.

What it truly means to be real. After a painful experience I've hit a lot of confusion on connection to others. The book has helped to begin to unravel that concussion.

Anything by Townsend if worth purchasing and this is no exception!

Very good book. Very helpful and lovely. Helping me heal and validating my concerns

A must for anyone who's relationship is in a mess and wishes at the very least to broaden an understanding of why.

Dr Townsend clearly shared a great amount of information in this book that relates to all relational aspects. It's a great book to read, think and reflect upon ourselves.