Don't Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children

It's Friday night and I find myself standing at the edge of this horrible black chasm. I'm beginning to realize I may have to make a choice between my alcoholic child and myself. I can't believe I am even considering this but my doctor is becoming concerned. If my blood pressure doesn't improve she is suggesting medication, if my cholesterol doesn't improve she is suggesting medication, if my blood sugar keeps moving in the direction it is trending she is suggesting insulin. She is telling me I must reduce the stress in my life. I can't remember the last time I was able to sit in my home and enjoy a peaceful evening. Ever vigilant to the sounds coming from my adult child's home next door. Is the yelling just a loud tv program or is she and the boyfriend du jour having another fight. Is the crash I hear something or someone being thrown against the wall or just a door being closed too hard? It's late and I hear her car start up. Is she already drunk and heading out for more or is she heading to the bar to get blackout drunk and drive home that way? Should I call the police and warn them she is driving drunk and endangering everyone else on the road? Another promise has been broken and this time in such a cruel way I feel it is so personal but the other realization I am coming to is that it has nothing to do with me. She hasn't thought or worried about anyone but herself for a very long time. She is so deep in her addiction that's all she can see now and the loving thoughtful child I used to know is gone, lost in the alcoholic mist. How can I abandon her but how can I go on living like this? She cries, she promises, she claims to need me but it is becoming more and more clear she only needs me to use when it suits her and we are both growing sicker every day in this awful dance we do. I feel like I am standing on the curb watching this horrible crash beginning to unfold and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. All I can do is stand there and pray there is something left to salvage when it is over. I turn to the internet to look for help, answers, comfort, something and I stumble across this book. I order the sample for my kindle and as soon as I have finished it I order the book. I read into the night. I am brought to tears when the author talks about losing the family he remembers. I too have been mourning the loss of the times we were together laughing so hard our sides hurt, sharing delicious meals and playing games together. It's all gone now. I've lost my son to alcohol and now my daughter is slipping away. I read on and see my own life in the pages of this book and am so relieved to find out I am not the only one facing this heart breaking, gut wrenching choice. I'm not the only one struggling with the feelings of guilt and anger. I find the practical suggestions helpful and the realization that I am not the only parent standing on the edge of this awful chasm helps me calm and begin to think about what I am willing and able to do and what I am no longer willing or able to do. I highly recommend this to anyone loving and trying to live with an alcoholic.

If you love an addicted child, the world as you know it turns on it's end. The parenting techniques you knew, become tools your addict will use against you, thereby engaging you in helping them kill themselves. The emotional jiu jitsu you must go through, sometimes on a minute to minute basis, is like a frustration nightmare that you can not awaken from. But it's real. This book really was spot on. For those who are new to this, perhaps this book seems harsh or unloving. 9 years ago, I would have been appalled. What do you mean I can't manipulate, nag, follow around, call all their friends, set up meetings, get their sponsors for them, etc? Of course I can and I will! You may say, I rather believe books like "How To Get Your Loved One Sober", where they tell you YOU can help them by modifying your and their behavior with motivational techniques. I am here to tell you 1st hand, this is absolutely not true. Perhaps if you have a high-functioning alcoholic you're dealing with, it might work for a time. But at what cost? Yes, we'd all love to run along in our lives as a co-dependent to someone else's life journey, giving up our energy to make sure we dupe them into not taking that drink. Why worry about our own lives? Besides, anyone who has loved an addict knows you can not "motivate" your addict to change. What works is your own program (leading by example), keeping up your energy to be able to deal with their constant crises when they inevitably come (often rapid-fire), and healthy boundaries. And I'm not talking pansy boundaries. No way. The boundaries necessary to help your addict are ones that will make you feel as if you're rather have your skin peeled off you then set them. Let alone uphold them in the face of the rage, tearful pleading, fear and guilt that will be heaped upon you every time you pick up your phone or let them in. I have read this book all the way through in one sitting...2 times. I have also read earmarked pages as needed to help gird my loins in the face of the tsunami that is my beloved addict. It hits the nail on the head, helps you not feel so alone, gives you concise steps to take, clear self help suggestions and is short and to the point without missing one important facet. To date I have not read a book on dealing with you addict that I have loved more. And there have been a lot of them. Thank you for writing this book.

Our adoptive son has chosen the dark path of drugs, like his bios. This book as been the most encouraging thing I've read. As with a lot of adoptive kiddos, there are underlying mental health and attachment issues, but until the addiction is addressed, they can't begin to heal. We, parents, have to heal. We have to recognize a lot of it (if not all) is not our fault. What could we really change? We can't make them do the right thing. I've highlighted many sections over and over in this book and read it regularly. The one thing I can and will do is always pray for my son. But the only person I have control over, is me.

This book helped me when I came face to face with my 29 year old daughter's drug addiction. I had not heard from her in several months and then I found out she was in jail and addicted to heroin. I was devastated. I reached out to the available literature and this book helps. It is on my kindle and I re-read parts of it often. It has only been a few weeks since my daughter has revealed her situation. I appreciate this book because it is the authoe's first hand account of what it is like for him to parent an addict and how it destroyed many family relationships. There is hope for me as the one loving the addict. I wanted a book about hope for the addict, just like 10 years ago I sought out alanon meetings to get hope for my addicted spouse. I find hope for myself at alanon and in mr. Rubin's book. Another book I highly recommend for its description of how addiction works in the brain is "In The Realm Of Hungry Ghosts" by Gabor Mate. Please read both of these excellent books.

This is a great book written by a parent. I have underlined and given a few copies to other parents who struggle with their addicted family, especially their children. It is a powerful resource.

Great book for anyone who is dealing with difficult and/or addicted adult children. It's not about changing the user, abuser or addicted person - it's about changing oneself. I have vowed to cut all ties with my son many times - and I have...but, somehow, after months even years of no contact - I fall back into my old patterns of feeling sorry for him - of bailing him out - of giving him money. This time my 33 year old son ended up in prison for one month and was put on a two year felony probation for physically assaulting his girlfriend. His father bailed him out and paid for his living expenses - convinced that our son was innocent. (I divorced my husband years ago for being verbally and towards the end - physically abusive). I have not had contact with him in six years. Before my son had to go to prison - he called me (after one year of silence) to tell me his version of the story. As always - I believed his lies - gave him money - felt sorry for him. I had hope that going yo prison would change him. He comes from an upper middle class family...and always had good paying jobs himself. He wasn't used to getting punished for his actions (and neither did his father who had been a military officer). Once again, I found myself in a position of being used and abused. My son would never physically harm me - but, he has zero empathy, lies, and doesn't keep his promises. It makes me physically and mentally sick. Reading Dr. Rubin's book reminded me of the role I played. It reinforced -what I already knew: stop all contact or it would literally kill me. The best advice I have - is to read his book over and over again. It will give one the strength and resolve to do what is essential for survival. Thank you for the encouragement and support.

Ok, those seeking to see if this book will help, first of all, there are way more positive reviews than there are negative, obviously some who read it and posted the negative reviews, may not have been at wits end yet with their addict child and for me, this book was spot on, perfect timing for us. My 31 year old son was taken in by grandma years ago when he was doing drugs and alcohol and causing problems in our home, she enabled him, he manipulated her and as both were warned the wake up call came for him when she died last November. We took him in based on him not doing drugs and alcohol and getting a job. Didn't happen, tried to get him mental help thru his insurance, he never followed thru, hired a lifecoach to try to help him get in a rehab that this guy had connection with and no luck, he was kicked out here and there on nights he caused problems and finally my usually laid back husband had had enough and he was told he had to leave. We offered rehab help, any help if he would just go and reluctantly he went to a rehab that actually offered him a scholarship for 90 day program but left after 3 days. I finally had to do what I had told him I would do, cut off his phone, take the car and we put new locks on our door and if not for this book, I would not have been able to see that what I did was right thing. This book helps those of us who don't really see it as a disease for most part. Yes they can have a propensity towards addiction but they don't have to follow that temptation and if they continue to refuse help and disrupt the rest of the home, then this book helps to do the tough love that sometimes you just have to do. No one wants to do this, it is the hardest thing ever to do but in the long run, it can truly help your child. I cannot say how I would have handled it had my son been younger teenager. Different advice for different folks at whatever stage they are in so some of the naysayers on the book obviously haven't been put thru the ringer. Thank you Charles Rubin for helping me so very much. As of today, our son did go back to the rehab and without this book I may have caved and given in to him in last few weeks and then he may have never returned to this rehab if he knew I could still be manipulated. It has many many good points and if I related so well to most of the book, I am sure that others did as well.

This book literally saved my sanity. For anyone who has a child that is caught up in the insane world of substance abuse, this book should be required reading. It shows that you are not alone, that your feelings are what all of us feel in this situation and that hard as it is, there is a way back for you, the parent, to save yourself. Mr. Rubin is to be applauded for his honest and frank discussion of his own experience and for his solid and workable advice to parents on recovering their own lives in the midst of the hell that is the addiction of one's child. He also makes it clear that as much as the parent wants to help and save their child, the more important thing is to save yourself, because the child has to make the decision themselves to get help and turn their own life around. Mr. Rubin's greatest gift in this book is to tell his readers that they don't have to sacrifice themselves on the alter of "being a good parent" for a child hell bent on destruction, addiction and using the parents to sustain their habits, because the best thing to do is save yourself first, so you can be ready if and when the child is serious about getting clean. The parent has and is entitled to a life also, apart from addictions of their children. I have already given this book to several people I know in this struggle and sadly, I have a feeling will be giving several more.

Very good read!

I’ve read this book about 4 times now and I find it helpful to go back to it whenever you feel down about your children’s addiction and behaviour. It’s comforting to hear someone who understands your situation and is living it. I highly recommend it if your child is an addict. Warning: this book takes an approach that could probably be referred to as tough love. If you want a book that tells you how to cure your addict and have a happy family again this is not it. In contrast it encourages you to accept the reality of the situation and acknowledge what you can’t change as well as advocating for your own right to personal happiness despite the drama and problems of your addict. This is not to say you don’t love your children, of course you do. But sometimes helping becomes enabling and then it’s not really helping at all. You can love your child while also having boundaries that preserve your own sanity and well-being.

I wondered about the rather full on title but when you read it you will find it is the perfect title. If you are the parent of young adult (or even a now older adult) who is in the grip of alcohol or drugs addiction and its destructive consequences for all concerned you owe it yourself (and them) to read this book. The writer talks from his own experience and guides us with wisdom and tough love sense. This firmed my own resolve and I was rewarded with positive developments in my own family situation. When you dont know where or who else to turn to for advice and support - this much needed book is supportive, thought provoking and enlightening.

Any Parent going through this issue in their lives...is a must read. Follow it, don't just read it. If you do, then it will bring a relative peace to you and hopefully save what sanity you have left.

Great book! One of the best around on this subject (and I have read many, in my desperation to understand the situation and gain ideas for survival!). Thanks Charles for your honesty.