Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends

If you're lonely or struggling, read this book. Making friends doesn't have to be a chore, and it doesn't have to be elusive. I'm in my late 30s and I have two young kids, and I know how hard it is to fit anything else into the day, yet reading this book gave me hope and optimism for making more friends. Just as the pandemic was starting, my husband and I moved (it was a move we'd started before the pandemic hit), and we ended up in a new town with zero contacts, work-from-home jobs, and virtual school. Over the last two years, community has been too hard to come by, and I've felt the sadness that is not knowing enough people around me. After two years of the pandemic chaos, I decided to make a concerted effort to build more friendships and connections in this town. This book is the perfect tool for understanding how friendships start, with clear takeaways for what to do (and how to do it). This book is great for nerds (like me) as well as casual readers who want to figure out how to make new friends. Marisa G Franco is a PhD psychologist who studies friendships, relationships, and attachment, and she's sifted through hundreds of studies on how friendships are made and distilled it into stories and ideas that can be immediately implemented. I was given an early review copy to read in advance of publication, and here's what I learned: ** Most people (wrongly) assume that other people don't like them. The good news? Most people actually like you more than you think! That means the voice in your head saying people don't like you ISN'T TRUE. Thank goodness. ** Most people are waiting for someone else to initiate something. That means we're ALL waiting for someone else to make the first move! The good news is that if you initiate, you have a really good chance of making new friends. Initiation can look like making an observation and asking a question, like "I really like this music, what do you think?" or "What a gorgeous dress, are you a designer?" ** Initiation can be relatively small, like "I noticed XYZ, what did you think?" She shares this "insight-question" from another researcher and I immediately used it at the coffee shop the next day. I also started using the initiation strategy to text other parents from my kids' classrooms and say hello. "Hey, I'm so-and-so's mom, I'm so glad we're in class together, let me know if you ever need to coordinate!" We live in a world where it's harder and harder to make friends. Countless headlines reveal that most adults have only a few friends, if that. Many men have only one close friend, and many more would say they have zero adult friends. When we don't have friends and community, our physical/emotional wellness suffers. If you read this book and commit to taking just one of the actions in it each week, chances are you'll know dozens of people by name by this time next year. For me, I'm specifically missing community—people who know my name, and whose name I know—and this book has inspired me to reach out and strike up new conversations with people. Even if they're not my best friends (yet), I'm so much better off for it.

If you have any interest to go deeper into platonic friendships this book is a phenomenal read on the subject! Ever since I became friends with a woman back in 2002, I have had a passionate interest in reading non-fiction books about platonic friendship. Twenty years later, I still enjoy a close friendship (platonic) with her. I have also read several hundred books on friendship! There are a handful number of books out there that stand head and shoulders above the run-of-the-mill friendship books. Franco's book now joins those elite books that take us deep into platonic friendship. In an amusing twist of irony, she makes platonic friendship appear "sexy." That's just a joke. But what I mean by that ironic joke, is that she truly does the unthinkable for a book on platonic friendship. She fleshes out the subject from personal experience, deep research, delightful anecdotes sprinkled throughout the book, and provocative but grounded interpretations to make the platonic friendships highly desirable in 2022. In our Western culture it is quite common to view platonic friendship experience as second-rate or quite bland when viewed in light of either romantic or sexual love. From the very first page she provokes the reader to think about the connection between platonic love and the contemporary psychological theory of attachment. For any student of the history of friendships you are going to love when Franco connects dots between friendships going back a hundred years and to present day healthy platonic attachment. She does what the title promises. That's why it is a must read for all friendship lovers or those who want to grow in their friendship experience. After introducing the subject, she takes you through the attachment theory and then proceeds to refer back to it in various ways throughout the book. She makes you think reflectively about your attachment styles and how they impact your inner self (and friendship) when faced with various platonic friendship scenarios. But she doesn't get lost in a dense, abstract psychological forest. I have read books by psychological experts who get lost in the theoretical forest. But not Franco. I give Franco a standing ovation for taking a subject that typically invokes a low-cultural desire ("platonic") and making it highly desirable and enjoyable. She stays in the platonic lane and uncovers the beautiful communal boundaries for present day platonic connection. At no point in the book does platonic experience become a poor-boundaried pushover to sexual love or romantic love. As she stays in the platonic lane, she truly makes platonic friendship a great and special gift. This book easily rises to my top five books I have read on platonic friendship in the past twenty years. I got a copy in advance from Net Galley.

First, this is a hugely important topic and book. Not an exaggeration to say that Franco addresses a major make or break Health, Social and Political Crisis in American and other world cultures. And maybe, this IS the Best Book on the Subject right now. But, 1. there is very, very little about "The Science of Attachment" and how that could work to our advantage, and 2. it was a Slog to get the Useful Information and Illustrations -- Have edited books professionally - and I would have: A. CUT most of the non-fiction "Stories about Bob and Alice" that are all-too-popular in Self-Help Publications. If you are not a top fiction writer, the stories turn out wordy and flat, no blood in those characters, and they can WORK AGAINST the author Reaching and Teaching her readers. B. Keep the non-fiction Fictional Illustrative Examples BRIEF and Only Where Needed to Illustrate TECHNIQUES. those parts were very well done. C. Get to the POINTS and SUMMARIZE them at the end of each chapter: Main Research and the Techniques. D. Create One whole-book Summary Chapter. One reason for the Summaries - and Editing Out excess Wordiness -- People learn best from small, clear, "chunks" (as they call it in Psych-Learning Research).

This thoughtfully written, engaging book by Dr. Franco comes to us as a gift and a guide in world that urgently needs to be reminded of the power of friends and social connection in general. Franco's impetus for the book was the realization that she, like so many of us, have overvalued romantic love and undervalued the gentle but powerful love of friends... "why settle for the one, when you can have the many" Through case studies, personal observations, reams of social research and examples across history (my favorite being a story about Lincoln), Franco demonstrates time and time again how vitally important our social network (and i don't mean FB or Insta) is to our mental, emotional and even physical health. And what's most helpful is the prism through which she helps us understand why we sometimes have trouble making or keeping friends - attachment theory. The more securely attached, the more trusting we find the world, and the easier to make, forgive, makeup with, and keep friends. And for those of us dealing with anxious or avoidant attachment issues, Franco has tips and tricks to help us out - so that we can lead more fulfilling and nurtured lives. Through the friends who are our mirrors, our mentors, our shoulders to cry on, our cheerleaders, and our confidantes, our lives have meaning and purpose - all said in a flowing, erudite and at times funny prose (OPP - other people's puppies). A timely and vital book, well worth reading and reading again. Kudos to Dr. Franco!

When I first read about this book in a mainstream media publication, I got excited. I remember in the 90s searching in bookstores for a book like this. There weren't any. Books filed under "Relationships" were about dating and marriage. When I finally found a book about friendships, it was a book for women about women's friendships. Even though I am a man, I examined that book thoroughly considering buying it to see if there was anything there that would help me. So, I usually don't buy hard cover since I'm on a budget but I bought this in hard cover as the paperback hasn't been released yet. But... I couldn't finish the book. About midway through I began scanning. Fortunately, and one thing I like about the book, is that each chapter has a "Takeaways" section at the end that sums up the chapter in a useful way. So I finished off the book by reading the Takeaways sections only. It looks to me like there is some good advice in there. Now, I wouldn't not say I'm ultimately qualified to judge. But, I say some of the advice is good because I plan to try following it. If the advice was obviously bad, I wouldn't be willing to try it. Another thing that I did NOT like was a sense of "pseudo" science. Many time, the author began a sentence like this: "A psychological study indicates that..." blah blah blah. Having read self help and psychology books my whole life (I'm 61) I've found that there is a study that indicates any and everything under the sun. It is multiple rigorous 56tstudies with multiple subjects that hint at the truth. Not one study conducted by who know who at whatever university with who know how many subjects. For example, "mindfulness" is one of the recommendations as a practice that can help one overcome mental hurdles in maintaining friendships. Whatever you think of mindfulness, I do know that there are studies on all different sides about it and nothing has been proven scientifically about it one way or the other. The chapters about attachment theory were very interesting and had me trying to figure which attachment style applies to me. I still can't decide if it is avoidant or anxious. I have some of both it seems. I can see how it can be helpful to think about these things and observe oneself. But the advice often sounded like nothing more than an erudite version of "just don't act on it." Not that helpful, at least that advice. As a man, I think the author underplays and lacks an understanding of the challenges and dangers to men when showing vulnerability. At least one chapter get into identity politics and is the same "antiracist" type of thing that you get from people like Ibram X. Kendi. If you believe in that world view then you will probably like this part of the book just fine. If you don't, you might find it offensive. I am a member of an "oppressed group" and I find that world view problematic. Not to say that racism hasn't existed or doesn't still exist in some forms now, but there are also several very big problems with the antiracist world view that are acknowledged, not just on the right, but by old school liberal democrats such as myself. I think the book is an interesting mix of psychology, zeitgeist pseudoscience and the author's world view, narrative, or religion. I think her heart is in the right place and I hope the book helps move forward a movement to value platonic friendships more.

A bit eye opening and very interesting - easy read

Is it possible to have a book with nearly every sentence and paragraph underlined because something resonated with you? After reading Platonic, I have found that the answer is YES!! I learned so much about the history and psychology of friendship, and it confirmed for me why my friends are the loves of my life!! Who would Oprah be without Gayle? Who would Gayle be without Oprah? Who would you be without your friends? Who would you friends be without you? This book will change how you view your friendships and your understanding of what friendship means. The author does a great job explaining concepts in a way that anyone can understand. Give yourself the gift of never feeling guilty about being a social couch potato again!! Oprah, please do you and all of your friends a favor and pick this for your book club!!! For everybody else who has felt the pangs of loneliness and lack of connection in your life during the pandemic, this book is for you. To the other single people out there who also have friendships at the center of your relationships, this book is for you. MUST READ!!!

I had a chance to meet with Dr. Franco during a Q&A and was able to speak with her directly. Having this extra connection with Dr. Franco helped drive some of the messages in Platonic home. The book is as much about knowing yourself to be able to make and keep friends. The psychology deep dive held up the mirror to let you see what it takes to be a good friend, and after all, to have a good friend, you have to be a good friend. While revealing the amount of effort required to make and keep friends, the text provides ample actionable steps that any of us can take to build relationships and find friends. The insights on self-compassion and studies cited show unequivocally that assuming that people are interested, want to be friends, and want to hang out makes it easier to find that 10 seconds of courage to initiate a conversation or invite someone in. The amount of research directly quoted and referenced was a bit heavy for my liking. I prefer when an author summarizes in a more common language for the layman. I didn’t feel like every chapter had tangible takeaways that I could easily apply. The keyword being easy, some of these require significant personal effort and a comfort level with yourself that many readers may not have. Here’s what she said about how to respond when someone is vulnerable in a conversation with you. Sit with the vulnerability for a minute, take a deep breath, and let it hit you. Let the speaker feel witnessed and see you processing. Rephrase what you heard them say about how they’re feeling, again to witness and show them you’re listening. Ask them questions to invite them to go deeper if they would like. Ask something specific about how they felt, what that led to, what they learned – anything to open the door to further reflection and sharing. It’s pretty simple really, and easy to remember. Sit with it. Rephrase. Ask questions. Aside from that, my top takeaways are: In order to have the perfect conditions to make friends there is one thing, above all else that is essential to create this connection, “continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability.” Use the insight and question method which involves simply sharing a statement or insight and asking a question to follow up. No relationship will be without conflict, when it comes to that, I plan to remember to help facilitate a resolution to the conflict by asking for the behavior I want to see in the future. My loved ones cannot read my mind, if I don’t tell them, they’ll never know.

Interesting read. Would recommend

excellent livre

One of the best reads not only on attachment styles but also friendship

I especially like the parts of the book that reassured that it is normal to feel love for friends. And that in an age where we expect our significant others to fullfil us in every way emotionally, physically, intellectualy, spiritualy, sexually, etc. When a lot of this used to be also used to be the domain of friendships. I hope a lot more people read this book and that I find and befriend these people haha <3

Tons of great insights and stories, backed with evidence based science ! This book reveals new ways of thinking our relationships and how we take time and energy to nourish them..