The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Read it and pay attention. Memorize the pins. Internalize the examples. Apply them to everything similar you encounter. They're *that* valuable. DeBecker says there are always indicators when violence lies ahead. By "violence," he sometimes means any harmful situation. One example he gives is a mother who felt uncomfortable when her child was going into surgery. Still, she told herself it would work out. And then her child died. Later, she went over the red flags that should have sent her looking for another doctor. So some examples are not about violence specifically, but are about events that are just as unfortunate and unsafe. Life is full of these situations, and there are clues at the ready if you pay attention to your instincts. You'll get a feeling, a persistent thought, discomfort with someone or maybe a sense of uneasiness in an environment. Sometimes you'll just notice something when you ordinarily would not. There's a reason. As DeBecker says, "violence is predictable." He tells us not to talk ourselves out of small clues, but to respect them for the teachers and lifesavers that they are. He also tells us to stop worrying about being "polite." Discomfort with respect to possibly offending someone is a characteristic, or weakness, predators look for in victims. Since first reading the book in 1997, I can think of specific instances when important clues presented themselves through my intuitive awareness. One of them was as simple as a mechanic misleading me so he could collect an easy fee. So the second most important lesson I have learned is to always apply what the book teaches. The one time you dismiss a signal might end up being the time you should have been most alert. Remember, it always seems more convenient to dismiss warnings. A consistent refusal to do that will reward you in many, many ways that will be apparent after events have passed. If your instincts are signaling that something is just not right...stop...think...say no...complete a transaction after thinking for a few days. Move away from someone who makes you uncomfortable. Don't get into the elevator. Whatever the situation, just don't ignore your instincts. Everything DeBecker says is right on target and the truth of his advice will be even more clear during the months and years after completing the book. As you become aware of situations where you stopped, or should have, to think something through, it will sharpen your instincts. This is a book worth rereading every year and using as a reference. The knowledge will help greatly whenever you're in a situation that immediately causes alarm or that tugs at the corners of your mind later. Regular reinforcement and application of the material are important to keep it at the forefront of your mind. Situations in which we need it most are never expected.

I spent 20 years on the streets in local law enforcement. I always felt that the Temporary Restraining Orders (TRO) we served on stalkers and spousal abusers were as worthless, in most cases, as the paper they were written on. Usually they simply served as a salve to sooth our justice system's guilt over unwillingness or inability to take strong and immediate action, or develop alternative solutions. As Gavin de Becker so aptly points out, when it comes to committed stalkers and abusers, not only are they not afraid of a piece of paper, it incents them to even a higher degree of activity and perhaps violence. The author makes an excellent case that we should be much more judicious in evaluating such cases against a threat matrix and respond in different ways depending on the nature of the threat. I also greatly appreciate the author's discussion of the origins of fear and how important it has been in allowing mankind to develop. In addition to the twenty years I spent in law enforcement, I am also a Certified Body Language trainer and teach the power of nonverbal communication. As research has shown, what we call women's intuition is in reality the fact that women, on average, are far better at picking up nonverbal cues than men. That "intuition" was absolutely essential for the females of our species to survive in a very hostile world, where they were of slighter stature and needed to quickly detect threats around them. As the primary caregiver to children they also needed to be able to effectively interpret the cues and needs of infants and small children before spoken language. One interesting study involved showing short film clips with the sound turned off to groups of men and women. Women scored an incredible 87% accuracy in evaluating the situation shown in the video. Afraid guys we only scored 42%. fMRI scans reveal women use 14-16 regions of their brains during communication, while men only 4-6 areas (most women probably would dispute giving us that much credit-:) In modern society, in the interest of being "polite", we often suppress our natural intuition, our gut feelings. Back in my police career we didn't even have a term called Body Language. We only knew it as "street-smarts". One of my great fears has to do with my beautiful wife's suppression of her natural intuition around strangers, in the interest of being polite and non-judgemental. The nature of my our respective careers requires us to live in a dense urban area, surrounded by all sorts of threats. Dark parking lots, underground garages, elevators and streets filled with street people and drug addicts. While our building is very secure, once you are on the streets it's a whole different ball game. She has terrific intuition when she uses it. She is like a perfectly honed tuning fork when she is willing to trust her intuition, but due to her kind and trusting nature, she often suppresses it in the interest of being all-inclusive and accepting. Gavin de Becker's loud message to women, Trust your gut, Don't suppress your intuition, Don't worry about hurting some stranger's feelings is a powerful one. It is my hope that my wife and every woman will be willing to read the book, reflect on all the powerful stories in The Gift of Fear, including the author's personal story.

"Real fear is a signal intended to be very brief, a mere servant of intuition. But though few would argue that extended, unanswered fear is destructive, millions choose to stay there. They may have forgotten or never learned that fear is not an emotion like sadness or happiness, either of which might last a long while. It is not a state, like anxiety. True fear is a signal that sounds only in the presences of danger yet unwarranted fear has assumed a power over us that it holds over no other creature on earth." ~ Pg. 277 I want to get this straight: this isn't a book, it's the script of a Criminal Minds episode. Okay, not really, but it feels like it. This nonfiction book is written with beautiful prose that reads like fiction and kept me turning page after page, like I needed to know what happened next, even though I've heard or read previously about most of the cases enlisted. It is compelling, if one word must describe it. A gripping (not to mention enlightening) look into violence, intuition and the human mind, all in 300 pages. Gavin De Becker goes in depth into many things through the course of this book. In the first chapters we explore not fear (the title is slightly deceiving) but instead the things surrounding fear and violence. Chapters one through six explore many topics including danger, intuition, violence and prediction. It is a valuable and fascinating tool, not only into the monster that all humans are capable of being but also into the human psyche in general. Throughout the remaining chapters, Becker delves into specific acts and aspects of violence and violent crimes (not only based off of the cases he has worked but based also on his personal experience) including but not limited too: people who can't say no, violence in the workplace (no, not just post offices), domestic violence, date stalking, violent children (thanks, for reminding me to be afraid of people my own age), and attacks against public figures. Probably the most interesting aspect of this book isn't the crime it explores, but the aspect of one's self that is explored. Including (but not limited too): how to learn to listen to yourself, learning that intuition isn't feminine, the differences between panic, anxiety, worry and fear (thought they were all the same thing, didn't ya?), and learning to differentiate between real and imagined threats. Oh, and we learn quite a bit about threats too. Ultimately, this book left me wanting to read it again, wanting to get everyone around me to read it and wanting to sit down for a chat with Gavin De Becker and ask him "what can you tell me about me?" but knowing better.

Western Culture is filled with rationalists who despise superstition and emotionalism, and while we have had great success in applying Reason to science and logic, there is a great danger in making Reason the measure of all things. In this book, De Backer makes the case that there is another part of our mind that we should listen to besides reason, our survival intuition. He likens it to a computer program that runs unseen in the background, picking up on details of our environment that we are consciously unaware of, and gives us the instinct of fear when we are in danger. However, we have become so accustomed to acting only on "reason" that we often ignore this legitimate fear because we cannot immediately give a "rational" explanation for it. But the reasons are there, and can be brought to the surface if given time to process the details. But in the midst of a dangerous situation, there is no time for analysis, only action. And so we ignore this gift of fear to our own detriment. De Becker argues for listening to and acting upon that fear, and helps the reader sort out what is actual fear as opposed to worry, panic, anxiety, and the like. I found the book very helpful. De Becker builds his theory first from his own traumatic experience as a child, and then from the experiences of those he as worked with and interviewed during his career as a security consultant. Some of the stories told are disturbing, but perhaps necessary. Several section of the book tell how to first understand why certain types of people may become violent, and then how to spot and interpret the danger signs. De Becker argues that all acts of violence are predictable if we pay attention to the danger signs rather than ignoring them. The only blight I found in the book was the appendix on "gun safety", which wasn't about gun safety at all, but a diatribe right out of liberal gun control play book. He rants about supposedly irresponsible gun manufacturers and gun locks, and uses false analogies and meaningless statistics to leave you with the impression that a firearm is somehow inherently evil, and you can catch "stray bullets" in the air much like you can catch the flu. What he neglects to address is the person behind the trigger, for the gun is just a tool controlled by the user. Perhaps his negative position on firearms (which in retrospect was mingled through the book) was due to his own trauma as a child that involved a firearm. In any case, the firearm is the most effective tool for self defense, but must be used responsibly, so here's what De Becker should have said about gun safety. 1. Treat every gun as if it were loaded. Don't ever "play" with them, even if you've checked and confirmed that the gun is empty. 2. Keep you finger OFF the trigger until you are ready to fire. People instinctively want to touch the trigger, even when picking a gun up. Don't touch it. 3. Always point the gun in a safe direction. Be constantly aware of where a gun is pointing, and do not let the muzzle ever point in an irresponsible direction. 4. When you shoot, be aware of your target and what is behind it. If you miss, you are responsible for where the bullet goes. 5. Get properly trained. A gun is not a good luck charm. You must learn to use it and practice with it. Take an NRA course and go shooting from time to time.

I took SO many notes! I want to memorize this entire book! Well written! Great references! A book I'll read again and never forget. Every woman, man, girl, boy, EVERYONE needs to read this book!

Having worked in Law Enforcement/Corporate Security for over 30 years, I can say that this is the first book I recommend for personal safety any time I'm teaching a class on safety. Everyone should read this book. You will find practical advice and guidance on listening to your own intuition and acting on it.

I was told about this book ten years ago, and I have just now gotten around to reading it. What was MY reaction to the book? I immediately bought eight copies to give to friends and family! Written in a captivating style, Gavin de Becker gives provides practical information through anecdotes, which makes the information easier to recall once the book has been laid aside. Women tend to get into dangerous situations when they don't listen to the tiny internal voice which warns them of danger, or because they don't want to appear "rude". For example, when waiting alone for an elevator, what happens when the elevator door opens and there's only one person in the elevator -- a man whose appearance raises the hair on the back of the neck? Fearful of appearing "rude", many women will squelch the internal voice that says to wait for the next elevator, and they'll get into that soundproof metal box with the very person their body has warned them about. Even if the person turns out to be harmless, the woman spends the entire elevator ride queasy at the thought of what might happen during those shared few minutes. Gavin de Becker examines the question of "WHY do we do what we do?" and "WHY do OTHERS do what THEY do?" An overly solicitious stranger who refuses to take "NO" for an answer, is not being as helpful as they portend to be. In that example, de Becker emphasizes that "No" is a complet sentence. No need to elaborate or explain. "No" means "NO". What if the person isn't a stranger? The same advice applies. De Becker says that if a jumbo jet filled with passengers crashed into a mountainside, killing all aboard, and that happened month in and month out, it still wouldn't equal the number of women killed each year by husbands and boyfriends. This book should be required reading for every female over the age of 15, and the chapter dealing with workplace violence should be required reading for everyone who works outside the home, whether or not they manage other people. THE GIFT OF FEAR by Gavin de Becker is an excellent book. I'm just sorry that it took me ten years to start reading it. The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

First, I absolutely respect experience. Having observed, witnessed, worked on a relatively large numbers of similar situations and solving relevant problems, after some time , you simply know the stuff and there are few who know it better. From that point, this is a good book and I am inclined to trust the author. It's great what Mr.deBecker did with analysis of the rapist's approach from the introductory chapter. Also, I find it valuable that Mr deBecker emphasizes the value of common sense vs being polite at any cost. The elevator example alone (reminding us of all variations we can remember from our own lives) is worth the money I paid for the book. About his attitude towards the gun issue in US - I didn't even notice it at first, since I'm not from US, where this debate has been raging. I happen to agree with the author on this one, plus I trust his expertise and experience. That's exactly why no random person can influence my view re weapons, but someone like Mr.deBecker could. Politics has nothing to do with it whatsoever. (Another thing: I appreciate that deBecker is honest about this issue, knowing himself that many readers will have strong objections. ) However, not everything in this book sits well with me Main reason why I gave it only 3 stars: Mr.deBecker who exactly are you writing for? A - women who live alone (or spend considerable time alone, go to and from work alone etc) B - women who are in abusive relationships C - HR departments and managers of medium/large companies D - celebrities and other public figures E - someone else? IF what you wanted was to write a book that would summarize your huge experience, here are two problems with it - Title leaves some room for confusion (after reading the whole book), since it covers A, partially B and nothing else. If we follow your definition of fear, that is. The companies didn't hire you to deal with employees' behaviour based on fear as you define it, but based on apprehension which is either justified or not. Celebrities did it for more or less similar reason - they started to worry about a stalker or threat writer and then hired you to manage the risk. Or they wanted you to manage whatever happens from the start. - Why should readership be so interested in your company's work, unless they belong to a small subset of people who would like to work for you or start a similar business? If they would, edit it, beef it up and you can sell it for 40$ onwards. People who want to work in this niche will gladly pay for a good book that covers it. So, you'll have a much smaller audience BUT ready to pay much more because they need it more. Security and protection of medium/large companies from disgruntled employees or anyone else is totally different topic from women about to be attacked. Celebrity stalking issue is something that I am interested only to the extent of reading it as a good short story. So are most of us. Women staying in abusive relationship is another topic (Btw your working together with shelters for the abused is commendable and should be included as a note/info with anything you write. ) However, if we go back to the gift of fear theme, this book will be absolutely great if it elaborated situations in A. Plus, as we all know, not only women are subject to violence, so it would be alright to include men as potential victims, too. Meaning - it should cover one type of a situation (physical assault) in different circumstances, scenarios and places , making quick assessments based on what we intuitively pick up from the overall settings. In that case - Title would be spot on - Introductory chapter would be absolutely great as it is - There should be more examples with right and wrong approaches and explanations thereof interrupting the story and providing advice Another thing: Perhaps you should've hired a good internet writer to work with you. People are reading stuff onscreen more and more - this lowers the tolerance level for long digressions and long-windedness in general. Anyway, I'm glad I've read the book. However, if it had delivered the promise its free chapter seemed to give, I'd have enjoyed it much more and it would have met all my expectations.

Two things; if you’re afraid nothing bad is happening, when it’s happening you’re just dealing with it. Trust your gut.

Really good book for females. Highly recommend!

A great book for everyone to read but especially women. Always, always trust your intuition. Great practical advice on how to navigate toxic individuals as well as real life experiences.

I would recommend this to be read by everyone. Being a parent, I was able to relate to many things written in the book

This book unexpectedly helped me understand the difference and the importance of distinguishing between anxiety / worry and real, useful fear. It made me realise how and why I became so out of touch with my intuition in the first place. Most importantly this book has taught me that I can and must trust my intuition without losing my head. There rest of the book contains some very interesting and helpful insights from scenarios that can be applied to everyday life.