I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

I was once in a relationship with a woman who exhibited all the signs of borderline personality disorder (BPD): uncontrollable, inappropriate anger; impulsivity; self-harming; projection; splitting; idealization and devaluation; and many more were characteristic of my time with her. I walked on eggshells constantly, always either in combat during her rages or, feeling like her happier moments were merely cease-fires whose duration were always short and correctly anticipated to be so. I ended the relationship, believing my ex to be an evil reptilian person who didn't know the meaning of the word "empathy." But I also didn't know about the ways family and others in relationships with a borderline can cope with the borderline's behavior. The SET-UP technique described by the author could certainly have helped me address my ex's episodes more effectively and more proactively than gearing up for battle and, ultimately, walking away. The advances in psychotherapies and even in medication (though no medications are specifically indicated for BPD) are helping many borderlines alleviate their symptoms, develop healthier relationships, achieve some degree of remission, and lead lives closer to normal, and show great hope for the future. And "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" discusses these quite thoroughly and optimistically. As I progressed through this book, I often wondered what it would have been like had I stayed in the relationship with my ex, knowing about the various coping methods like SET-UP, and working through family therapy with her (my ex was seeing a therapist during the time we were together, but she told me it was for depression and anxiety, not BPD; I pieced together that she had BPD after the relationship ended). Maybe if I had been a little more patient, a little more firm at maintaining boundaries, and definitely a little more supportive and empathic, we may have been able to achieve a longstanding, happy relationship. One last thing: if you're the type who stops reading the book at the last chapter and doesn't venture into reading the appendices of a book, you may want to break from that routine for this book. Appendix B provides a great discussion of how the borderline personality disorder diagnosis evolved. Definitely worth reading. Whether you're a student of psychology, a practicing therapist, a borderline struggling to stop the pain, or a family member or relationship partner of a borderline, you will find "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," an informative, helpful resource in stopping the pain of this terrible disorder.

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) plus Temperament (Personality & Behavioral Style) can be very important to know about, especially for those dealing with it personally or because someone they love and care about is a BPD (usually a spouse or significant other). Few people know about BPD or PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome), which generally happens when separation or divorce results because a spouse has BPD and Parent Alienation against a noncustodial spouse or the "other" parent is involved. Children of a BPD parent are at high risk of being BPD with PAS, and grow up with multiple problems that can be life-threatening, traumatic, abusive, and wrong. There is a lot of confusion with tendency to misdiagnose or fail to know someone is a BPD, especially when PAS is involved; generally for generations. It becomes an ongoing cycle of traumatic abuse and alienation (turning) against others that gets passed from generation to generation unless appropriately recognized and addressed with appropriate evaluation, diagnosis, counseling, and treatment. Children growing up with a BPD parent, which generally includes PA (Parent Alienation against others with denial of information, truth, contact, and relationships with others); commonly grow up with huge ongoing problems that negatively affect them for life, especially within their own attempts at relationships with others. Knowing the characteristics common to a BPD, and to PA can help individuals to be informed and able to understand and respond more positively (safely). Not being informed can be dangerous and life-threatening for everyone involved. Especially for children, teens, and young adults forced to grow up with a traumatically hateful, abusive, impulsive, irresponsible, immature, deceptive (lying), malicious parent while denied all information, contact, and relationships with others by the BPD parent demanding a child choose only the BPD parent. Someone with BPD denies all wrongdoing and refuses to make things right, while denying mental illness and the need for appropriate evaluation, diagnosis, and counseling. They deceive self and others, believing their own lies and false ideas/beliefs so that others believe what they SAY even when totally absurd and false with evidence that what they think, believe, and say is FALSE! They are generally charismatic (people like them). They will say and do anything they think might be needed to manipulate, deceive, and get others to agree with them, believe them, and comply with their ever-changing demands. They think and care about no one but self and their own personal agendas. They can be very clever and highly intelligent (educated), but totally lack maturity, common sense, and good judgment. They are generally rebellious as teens with huge problems that increase over time, and without appropriate diagnosis and counseling; they struggle with relationships and generally have a very difficult life to deal with. The book is OKay, but does not include information about God-given Temperament (Personality and behavioral style), which is important for everyone to have, know, and be able to apply. Temperament can increase the inappropriate responses, attitudes, and traumatic abuses of a BPD; especially a BPD with PAS. Something we deal with on a daily ongoing basis because of the ongoing hatred and traumatic abuses of a BPD with PAS and a history of 5 Maternal generations of total destruction because of it; while those with BPD and PAS deny all wrongdoing and realities involved. Children robbed of a relationship with a noncustodial parent from 4 months, 18 months, & 3 with 2 suicidal teens responding after a lifetime of traumatic abuse, deception, hatred, and life-threatening situations created by their custodial parent and others who are the 4th & 5th Maternal generation forced to be destroyed because those with BPD and PAS deny all wrongdoing and have never been appropriately evaluated, diagnosed, or treated. And, yes, appropriate diagnose, counseling, and treatment are available. The problem is that those with BPD and PAS reject and refuse to acknowledge realities, evaluation, and treatment so that the ongoing cycle passed from generation to generation cannot be broken. Especially when those dealing with it have no idea what's going on or why or how to respond (what to say and do). Responding incorrectly generally always makes things much worse and increases the sudden angry rages and traumatic, hateful abuses of a BPD with PAS. They can be dangerous and those they abuse can be totally destroyed with no probable cause (evidence or witnesses). Especially in Ohio where no evidence and no witnesses can totally destroy someone based solely on FALSE Allegations (Lies and perjury). Especially when courts (judges, prosecutors, attorneys, children services, and others) believe, assist, and give sole custody to the BPD parent with PAS so that kids are also totally destroyed over time and end up suicidal. A reality and fact that most individuals know nothing about until it happens without knowing or comprehending why that is. Information is important, and this explains one of the most confusing aspects of Borderline Personality. The basic main FEAR of being ABANDONED, which motivates the BPD with PAS to be demanding, insecure, totally self focused, and even dangerous. It can be worse when FEAR of not getting into Heaven is added to the motivation of the BPD with PAS so that the individual will say and do anything without ability to respond appropriately to those fears; especially without destroying others because of those fears. The other books, information, and materials available online and otherwise are critical for anyone having BPD, PAS, or having to deal with the realities of someone with BPD,PAS and life-threatening situations that result.

As someone who has an I Teresa in psychology but zero psychology education, this book is great! I suspect a dear friend may be borderline and I picked this up hoping to get some insight into this disorder and it has been a God-send. The later chapters were not to thrilling as a layperson, they're heard more towards therapists I think, with a focus on types of therapies and how they work/should work. But the first half of the book was fascinating and helped me better understand not only the symptoms and typical behaviors of BPD but also what can cause it and how. I now see that someone suffering from this is not acting in negative ways out of resentment for bad childhood or a bit of irrational fear, but that suffered issues that impacted his psychological and emotional development in ways that he had to create poor defense mechanisms just to get by, and never learned another way, and that he was taught that love can be given and taken away, or that it must be constantly re-earned or whatever. Their actions are not bc they're bitter or hurt, it's because they truly feel unloveable and empty, and truly believe that any mistake can cause someone to take back their love. Which is absurd to most but ingrained in borderlines. I'm grateful for this book. And it's giving me methods to best handle situations in s way that's healthy for myself and my borderline friend rather than counterproductive and frustrating - specifically the SET-UP method. I think this is actually a GREAT approach to dealing with difficult situations in general, not only with borderline personality disorder.

Gives a better understanding when you are living with bipolar person. Wish I had Axis to this before. Kudos to the author for compiling this.

This is the best book I have ever read...It was like reading my life story!!! I was diagnosed with BPD a few weeks ago. After a lifetime or not knowing what was wrong with me everything finally made sense. This was the first BPD book that I ever bought and read and I'm so glad that I chose it to begin my journey of understanding BP and my disorder. I would recommend all BPD suffers read this...seriously, it has changed my life! Obviously I am not cured, and I have a long way to go until I am in recovery etc, but this book explains EVERYTHING and I am able to understand my behaviours in more detail including what has and what is still causing my BPD. The book also explains different types of therapy options which are available to me and what to expect when I eventually am able to receive my therapy. This is basically the BPD Bible and after extensive reading and research it appears that this book is highly recommended by therapists, BPs and none BPs alike. Don't hesitate buying this book, seriously you wont regret it!!!

wonderful book

Hoje em dia quem sofre do transtorno junto dos seus familiares e amigos precisam desse tipo de informação, que em maior parte do livro é dada de maneira explicativa, clara e não-preconceituosa/generalizada. É explicado durante todo o livro que somente alguns dos sintomas possam fazer sentido e que não significa que isso faça dos que sofrem com ele, que utilizem o transtorno como desculpa, benefício próprio ou vitimismo.

This is a fantastic book for anyone dealing with a borderline loved one or are borderline yourself. It’s a very difficult mental illness to deal with (chances are if you’re reading this you know that already) Puts a lot of things in perspective and suggests a lot of coping skills and resources. I wish I had this book a long time ago, it would have made a lot of tough situations easier and made me more understanding. If you’re in a similar situation please don’t hestitate to buy this book.